LIFE IN THE FAST LANE...

-- "Nine-month-old Samba escaped from England’s Marwell Zoo on March 16, and although she’s been reportedly spotted frequenting a pub and sunbathing on a riverbank, she’s still managed to evade capture." --

OLIVIA'S 'VELVET TOUCH'...

-- "An invoice, obtained in a freedom-of-information request, shows Toronto Public Health has purchased 576,000 branded condoms and 200,000 individual packages of lubricant. At 21 and 15 cents respectively, that will cost Toronto taxpayers $120,960 for the rubbers and $30,000 for the lube." --

Of course, she's never been shy about spending other people' money. 

In other GTA news...

-- "Hamilton police are asking for the public’s help as they launch an investigation into the city’s first shooting of 2026." --

THE TRANSFENDER COMMUNITY...

-- "Yes, Trans Hondas are real Hondas.   You know the rules.  It doesn’t matter what the car truly is.  A few cosmetic changes are all it takes.  Those Tesla-terrorists better respect the transgender... we mean, the transFENDER community!" --

Hang on... they're against 'government efficiency?'

-- "Karin Schall brought chalk to the protest and used the word 'STOP' already painted on the asphalt to write 'STOP ELON AND DOGE' — the acronym for Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency." --

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S TRUE...

-- "In an only slightly nervous statement to the nation, a visibly sweating Obama reminded people not to jump into hunting down and killing everyone who might be considered responsible for causing the terrible state of American healthcare." --

The Reality Check...

-- "‘I don’t understand why people are celebrating him being killed,’ the radio host said Friday on his show “The Breakfast Club. ‘His kids don’t got no father.’" --

♪ "I'M THE BROKEN-HEARTED TOY YOU PLAY WITH". ♪

-- "Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed his support for Vice President Kamala Harris at a press conference on Thursday, saying he prefers her as the next U.S. President because he wants the Biden administration to continue, and because she 'laughs so expressively and infectiously.'" --

BREAKING SAD

-- "Students in West Bengal's Durgapur have found a new way to get high. They are getting addicted to condoms, but not to use them as contraceptives. The Durgapur kids soak the flavoured condoms in hot water and drink the liquid. This gets them high for 10 to 12 hours." --

ROGAN ON ROGAN

-- "'I talk shit for a living — that’s why this is so baffling to me,' he said.  'If you’re taking vaccine advice from me, is that really my fault?  What dumb shit were you about to do when my stupid idea sounded better? You know that dude who made people eat animal dicks on TV?  How does he feel about medicine?  If you want my advice, don’t take my advice.'" --

ROGAN UPDATES HIS STATEMENT

-- "The answer is not to silence me, the answer is for you to do better," Rogan said. "The answer is for you to have better arguments. When you're on television talking about how I'm taking horse paste, and you know that's not true." --

WOKIE VIRTUE SIGNALLING

Where, pray tell... does it end...

ATLANTA, GA—In a surprise announcement today, the CDC revised its guidelines on social distancing.  Vaccinated people can now ignore social distancing if needed in order to punch an unvaccinated person in the face.

It's getting tougher to separate parody from truth.