Canada spends more per capita...

...on doughnuts than America — and, given comparative girths, Canucks are clearly not getting as much bang for the buck. Why doesn’t Ottawa introduce a National Doughnut Licensing Agency?

You’d still see your general dispenser for simple procedures like a lightly sugared cruller, but he’d refer you to a specialist if you needed, say, a maple-frosted custard — and it would only be a six-month wait, at the end of which you’d receive a stale cinnamon roll.

Under government regulation, eventually every doughnut would be all hole and no doughnut, and the problem would be solved.

Even if the hole costs $1.6 trillion.

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